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Friday, August 31st, 2007
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5:37 pm - so ends a chapter of my life~
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so it's over~2.5 years.
i'm okay i think. but because 2.5 years is a long time, i don't know how i feel. we'll see.
the end.
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11:54 am - i lost my password ~
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its been a while. i lost my password and never bothered to figure it out.
senior year is freaky. there's some serious twitching going on at my end. i have no idea what im going to do. i want ot get a job, i want ot get into grad school....both are very much dependent on my nonexistant good gpa.
being on north with all freshmen....it's interesting. i feel so jaded. i've definitely bonded a whole lot more iwht my floor this year because im being proactive about seeking them out whereas usually i just hide in my room and avoid them at all costs. it's eating up my time and my life and my sleep. they're good kids, but they keep getting into trouble and so i'm always supporting them and helping them work things out. it's also really sad because this class seems to be full of tragedies and that makes me sad. they're so young, so very young and yet a lot of them have been through so much.
did i mention that i get weirded out whenever i hear someone was born in the 90's?
as for the boy and i, we are in an 'open relationship' that's really a friendship under a different title. we talk and go to class together and stuff, but we don't really hang out or spend time together. i think at this point, we're both growing out of our relationship. it makes me sad/nostalgic to think back on when we were closer, i hope we can still stay friends. things change, people change. that's just the way it is. at this point, we're both looking forward to careers and future stuff so at this point, i think things are best the way they are.
i saw sabrina for the first time in 2 years. we went to aladdins last saturday. spent 3 hours talking/eating. ran into andy from freshman year (when i ran around to everyone else's suites) and talked with him for a bit.
i can't believe we're seniors. when i first got here, i couldn't wait to become a senior, now i'm wondering why they're kicking me out so soon.
i'm going to miss college.
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| Monday, April 30th, 2007
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11:35 am
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so tired i want to puke.
i'm too old for consecutive all nighters.
on another note, spent tons of time on the phone with sabrina. i should spend more time visiting people i used to know, well, some of the people i used to know.
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| Friday, February 23rd, 2007
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1:24 pm
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i check my cell every 15 minutes. it's sad.
i really want them to call me back now. any of them. all of them preferably, but any of them. 'one to two weeks' wait is long~and im dying from suspense.
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| Tuesday, January 2nd, 2007
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1:01 am
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you know when you meet people and of course you swap celly numbers even though you really dont want theirs so you dont save it cuz you figure you'll never run into them again.......and then you get a call from an unknown number and you either pick up or you call back and it's them?
yeaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh.........i think i do it too often. kinda embarrassing. i should really start storing everyone's numbers.
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| Saturday, December 9th, 2006
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1:31 pm
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pretty boy voices come in the strangest packages.
i didnt realize the clay aiken syndrome applied to asians too.
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| Thursday, December 7th, 2006
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12:26 pm
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7 hours to go till my first final and im sick. i dont have the energy to finish studying everything i need to, im no where near prepared.
i TOLD him no kissing and i TOLD him no fucking sharing foods/drinks. and HE said 'no, it wont be contagious, no i won't get you sick' he SO got me sick. and now im miserable and unprepared and ready to fail. i cant handle this.
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| Friday, November 10th, 2006
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2:16 pm
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so i realized that i dont know any of the titles or composers that ive played in my 11 years of piano. i went searching. ive played a lot more than i though i did, ive heared a whole mot more than i imagined.
apparently, when i chose my 'final competition song' i chose chopin ballade no. 1 over his ballade no. 2. i think i played a lot of chopin. in the beginning it was his mazurkas, when i developed more skill it was his etudes. and then i ended my competitive piano 'career' with his ballade.
i played a lot of bach too.
i think my repertoire consisted of the same composers each year for each era.
baroque - bach
classical - mozart, beethoven, haydn
romantic - chopin
'contemporary' - the ones that were always assigned and the ones i hated and could not stand. i think im too used to classical to accept the modern jarring sharp notes.
and waaay back in the day i remember tons of beethoven, debussey, and lots of stuff i couldnt read. well, now that i think about it, ive never actually read a title in my life, it was all either in chinese or in russian....
anyways, now that ive found it i should get back to my 'body shop/organizational culture' cant dissapiont the group at our meeting today
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| Thursday, November 9th, 2006
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5:47 pm - this one's for me.
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A-C chord. i never realized how fragile that sound is. of course, add in a g and it will give more strength and determination. but even so, that added strength sound doesnt take away from the fragility and ethereal sound of the a-c.
of course, half of it's all in the mindset. obviously if you insist on pounding it or just barely grazing the keys it won't work. but take away the spaghetti fingers and stroke the keys with just the right touch...beautiful.
its weird right? i havent played a piano in so long. and i mean really played. sure ive banged around on the poor old broken one downstairs. the one thats seen so much of everyone in donlon. people joke and laugh and cry on it. people practice and compose and play around on it. don't get me wrong, there's something magical about how it brings people together......as much as and sometime moreso than a night out, but...it's not the same. it's too public, in the open, almost too crass in a way on display.
well anyway, i went to lincoln today. prowled around until i found an open practice room. it was an old piano, but still in good shape, an upright one. lots of people say that the upright piano's sound isn't nearly as rich as a grand or baby grand, which is true i suppose, but i feel so much more comfortable playing an upright one. plain and less extra-ordinary in presence, it just seems to fit me much better.
i started out trying to play some old songs from memory, i've lost it all. i've still got the muscle reflex and in my mind i can hear the music, i can see myself playing the music, i can picture my fingers moving the right way and i can physically feel myself playing it. but when i touch the keyboard, it's all wrong. my fingers don't skim with the speed and grace i used to have, instead clunky notes come out. i stumble over the most basic fingering, stuff that i would have scoffed at years ago. what happened?
i tried a couple times, and left the room once, disappointed with myself, only to run back because the muscle memory came back and i was able to stumble my way through a few more lines. i gave up and went back to the songs i wrote so many years ago, the pop tunes, the simple stuff. of course, for my parents sake i did titanic as well. not all the way through because i couldn't remember anymore, not without the music...but i did it and i poured my heart into it.
it sounds cliche, and not to sound arrogant, but really. you can hear it when you put your heart and soul into the music. there's huge difference between the empty sounds that may be 100% correct notes, but still sound hollow and missing something...even if played on a grand. but when you feel the music, become the music, when you embody it and make it live, that's when the true sound comes out. you don't have to hit every note and you don't have to play it exactly on time. that's the point, music is alive and open. it changes and goes through ups and downs just like people do.
so then i just played. which again i had't done in some years. i just played and it came out. granted, it was nothing special, no more orchestral chord compositions from me anymore, but it came out. i dont know how to describe it. there's this feeling, when you're all alone with your piano, with your music, and you just let go.
i guess that's what some people feel when they run, when they dance, when they play badminton or soccer or whatever. for me, it's music. do you understand?
every semester i promise myself i will pick up piano again. i lug my music books between home and school. they go wherever i go. i need them. just looking at them makes me feel better. does that sound stupid? i never open them, i never get to play. im too cheap and too practical to fork over the $100 per semester to rent out a practice room. i know i won't use it much anyway, whats the point. but then, i cant play downstairs because i choke up and the music chokes up and the cheap fun bubble-gum pop stuff comes out. i play to entertain when im downstairs, and yes, i do love entertaining, after all, 11 years of competitive piano does make a performer out of you somewhat...but i can't play for me. the reason i enjoyed competitions so much (even though i was always nervous enough to puke) is because i spent time by myself just playing. of course id go and show the teacher how i did and we'd improve and i'd practice. but it would be me and the music and no one else. and when i did it, when i succeeded in making myself the music, i would be nervous but so excited and eager to perform.
it's like when some people go through a major physical change or something and they havent seen many people while they were working on it or they havent seen many people since the change was complete and it's their debut. that's what competing was like, that's what the rehearsals were like. sometimes i'd screw it up but if it was perfect, if it was right, id be nervous and trip when i was walking up on stage, and id be literally shaking when i pulled out the chair and sat down and brushed the keyboard. but once i pushed down and the notes came out, everyone and everything else would disappear and it was just me and the piano. again, very cliche right? i suppose in a movie you would see a dark screen with just a circle of light, the edges of the circle just barely framing a person playing on a grand.
i don't know anything about music theory or whatever else. i can't count bars, can't keep rhythm, hell i don't even bother sight reading properly half the time and learn half by ear half by sight. but i just had to put down this feeling and i couldnt even do that properly either.
so yeah, if you read it and think worse of me for it, i'm sorry. but this one's for me.
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| Thursday, November 2nd, 2006
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1:07 am
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so recently i started talking more to some people that i havent seen in.... forever. well no, just 2 years. literally.
what never ceases to amaze me is the fact that despite the 2 years of no interaction of any sort, we pick up 'where we left off' and everything seems to go smoothly (albeit its mostly online conversation). even moreso than the people that ive seen on a daily basis since freshman year.
maybe its because we've been out of touch for so long, or maybe its because im not in the same major so im not viewed as a 'threat' or a competitor (although with my current grades i dont see how anyone could view me as much of a threat), but i honestly enjoy our discussions more than ones i have with certain other people.
of course, on the other hand, ive always gotten along better with guys than girls...unless those girls also tend to get along better with guys than girls, then us girls get along just fine.
i totally confused myself right there. never mind.
i should get dressed and go back to cramming in the lib. they're still waiting for me to get back...
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| Sunday, October 29th, 2006
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1:32 am
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i dont need this right now.
drunk freshmen trying to be smart asses and acting cool in front of their equally drunk friends. i dont have time for this. prelims, resumes, hw, papers, my own life. all these are supposed to be priority for me.
i wonder if they ever stop and think about the fact that we give up so much of what they take for granted and put up with so much of their shit. would that even make a difference in how they act? or is this just something every freshman needs to get out of his system and will hopefully outgrow someday?
id like to go out and party too. i havent been out since i became an RA. im on call every fucking weekend and cleaning up after their puke and dealing with their drunk ass accidents and making sure they dont die or shit themselves (which unfortunately DOES happen and i hafta deal with that too). i dont see as many friends as id like, i dont get to leave the fucking building after 9 pm if im on call, i pick up the damn phone at 5 and am at their beck and call.
so really, please, do me a favor, do yourself a favor, stop acting like such jackasses and learn to control yourself. because as much fun as it is for me to pick up your sorry drunk asses off the street and make sure you're okay, im sure its a thousand times more fun for you to wake up with your face in the toilet and shit in your pants. oh, and not to mention with no clue what the fuck happened the night before and where the hell your underwear disappeared to.
Happy Halloween weekend.
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| Tuesday, October 24th, 2006
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4:36 pm
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i should quit school and become a full time fortune teller cuz another prediction came true this past weekend/mebbe today...something like that =)
in other news, preenroll next week. dunno what i wanna take. slightly freaking out. hoping the gym is open in the morning next semester, or at least the pool. i have to start exercising again. specially since i wanna go someplace for spring break where parkas and snow pants are not an option.
if she can do it, i can too.
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| Thursday, October 12th, 2006
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7:44 pm
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went shopping with Steph. first time in a while. i spent $50....what'd i buy?
1 Aeropostale sweater
1 Prospirit reversible fleece
1 Old Navy microfleece scarf
1 pair of Old Navy microfleece gloves (for the boy)
::guilty face for splurging::
if i stayed any longer i would have bought more too ... -_-;;
oh yes and she got a wheel for pumpkin-face =)
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| Sunday, September 24th, 2006
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7:30 pm
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instead of studying i chose to procrastinate via a prince of tennis marathon and finishing the seires including the specials. im so fucked. time to cram for the exams.
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| Tuesday, September 19th, 2006
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3:11 am
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so i suddenly came down with a case of 'i feel like shit'
doesnt hlep that school blows.
but the boy and i may be going to spend a weekend at niagara for fall break. so thats my possible light at the end of the tunnel.
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| Sunday, September 17th, 2006
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7:00 pm - spam
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do you remember the purity test from the spark? like way back when. apparently in the past 6-8 years my purity has gone down by at least 20% and yet for some really really odd reason im still scoring above 99% people who take it .... how is that possible? unless people these days are less and less pure...
My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 99% on purity |
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| Your Deadly Sins | | Gluttony: 80% | | Greed: 80% | | Pride: 80% | | Envy: 60% | | Lust: 60% | | Sloth: 60% | | Wrath: 20% | | Chance You'll Go to Hell: 63% | | You'll die choking on a cookie in bed. |
| You Are 53% Passionate, 47% Compassionate | 
You possess an ideal balance of passion and compassion.
You definitely can get swept away and lose your head a little.
But you're rarely a fool for love! |
| You Are an Orange Margarita | 
At first glance, you are very unique - but deep down you are still quite a traditionalist.
A margarita may be "too fancy" for you, but you'll never turn a free one down. |
| You Are a Mai Tai | 
You aren't a big drinker, but you'll drink if the atmosphere is festive.
And when you're drunk, watch out! You're easily carried away. |
| You Are Sunrise | 
You enjoy living a slow, fulfilling life. You enjoy living every moment, no matter how ordinary.
You are a person of reflection and meditation. You start and end every day by looking inward.
Caring and giving, you enjoy making people happy. You're often cooking for friends or buying them gifts.
All in all, you know how to love life for what it is - not for how it should be. |
| What Your Soul Really Looks Like | 
You are a warm hearted and open minded person. It's easy for you to forgive and forget.
You are a very grounded, responsible, and realistic person. People may not want to hear the truth from you, but they're going to get it.
You believe that people see you as larger than life and important. While this is true, they also think you're a bit full of yourself.
Your near future is a lot like the present, and as far as you're concerned, that's a very good thing.
For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust. |
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| Friday, August 11th, 2006
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9:55 pm
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so ive been back at cowville, all my time is consumed by this RA training. training's not fantastic but this year's Donlon staff rocks.
on another note, i'm missing out on so much back home. i kinda wish i was there. 2 places at once.
diagnosis: PCOS
pills: sucky
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| Saturday, August 5th, 2006
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12:24 am
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| Wednesday, August 2nd, 2006
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11:01 pm
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crazy 20 min storm in home-cowville = trees ripped (root and all) outta the ground, knocked down powerlines, insane damage and too many closed off roads
it's like oz meets twister
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| Monday, July 24th, 2006
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9:03 pm - fake update
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| You Are Sex On the Beach | 
When comes to drinking, you like it to go down smooth.
You really don't like the taste of alcohol - just its effect on you.
So, you're proud to get drunk on fruity, girly drinks.
Because once you're liquored up, the fun begins! |
| You Are a Boston Creme Donut | 
You have a tough exterior. No one wants to mess with you.
But on the inside, you're a total pushover and completely soft.
You're a traditionalist, and you don't change easily.
You're likely to eat the same doughnut every morning, and pout if it's sold out. |
| Your Inner European is Italian! | 
Passionate and colorful.
You show the world what culture really is. |
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kawaii_girl's journal